First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
