We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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