Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
