As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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