There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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