she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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