My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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