That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
