you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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