before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize