I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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