I'm drive I can fine osifer
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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