you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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