I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
