dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
