I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Boobs speak an international language.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
