I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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