you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This is not my ceiling
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
