thus making me awesome and them whores
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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