ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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