i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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