My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
