Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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