yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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