I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
