My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
