she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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