Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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