Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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