im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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