hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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