Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
