How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
