I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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