I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
