I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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