dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
