So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
