you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
