Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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