there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
