Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
