For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
