i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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