Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
