I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
being pregnant is like rehab
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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