Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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