Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
