I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
