if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
