How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
