Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
