Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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