just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
