Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
