she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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