your parents love me but you hate me
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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