ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
